How do we get past our doubts?
With me, it was a long process. I had to ask myself what I could trust — what was a certainty in this life. Even though I felt betrayed by God when my daughter was diagnosed with tuberous sclerosis, I had to admit He was the only sure footing I had in this world. Though I could reach out to family and friends, one day they would be gone. God is immortal.
I knew about God; I had put my trust in Jesus for my salvation. However, I didn’t really know God. Not like I knew my family and friends. Maybe that’s why I doubted Him.
Who was the God who let me down?
I had to find out. I researched who He was by opening my Bible to any place, letting those crispy thin pages leaf through my fingers and just flop open…My eyes wandered over the small print, listless. But then I saw something in Isaiah that made me gather my leather Bible closer, tracing unfamiliar words. They resonated deep within my soul, made me blink tears from my eyes.
3 He was despised and forsaken of men,
A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
And like one from whom men hide their face
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
4 Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of God, and afflicted.
5 But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
This was prophecy of Jesus’ death. The emotion I saw on that page, the sorrow, the grief, were the same emotions I struggled with after my daughter’s diagnosis. Even though I knew Jesus’ death on the cross was excruciating, somehow I hadn’t gotten that He knew the depths of grief. When I read this passage, it hit me: Jesus understands my sorrow.
I’d love to tell you that I rose above petty self-centeredness to work through my doubts, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Jesus bridged the gap and met me in my self-centered little world by allowing me to say, Hey, you get me, Jesus.
The thing is, He does get us. He meets us wherever we are — self-centered, mad, beaten down, broken — and He lifts us up to see that He gave His life for us to live in freedom.
This passage gave me perspective. God wasn’t against me. He was in this with me. He knew a lot more of what suffering felt like than I did.
My thirst for who God was continued. The more I found out about God, the more I wanted to know.
I encourage you to open your Bible if you’re wondering where God is or who He is or why He’s done something. Your answer is there. You might have to look a while. But you will find what you’re looking for.
When you do, I’d love to hear your story.