When Kristen was first diagnosed, I wondered why. Why, God?
Then my Why, God turned to Did you cause this, God, or did you simply allow it? Cause or Allow?
It was important to me, because it shaped who God was for me. I was swimming in a pool of disillusion. My circumstances were reshaping who I’d always thought God was. I was redefining God in terms of my new life i.e., my life as a special needs parent. A person who suddenly, undeservedly walks a very bumpy road. I was caught up in my circumstances, and I viewed God through the lenses of those circumstances.
Now, years later, I realize I wasn’t being fair. I was angry and wanted to lash out at the One who controlled things, because I felt so out of control.
I asked the wrong questions. If God had answered audibly, maybe He would’ve said, “Cause, allow…both are irrelevant.”
There is a Bible passage where God, in the form of a sword-wielding man, speaks to Joshua and tells him, pretty much, his question is irrelevant. When I read Joshua 5:13-15, along with Lysa TerKeurst’s commentary, it made me remember my own irrelevant questions:
13 Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or for our enemies?”
14 “Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.” Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, “What message does my Lord have for his servant?”
15 The commander of the Lord’s army replied, “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so.
As Joshua was looking at the fortified city of Jericho, we might be seeing his courage falter a bit. The Lord tells him, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9) Despite this, seeing reality up close is another thing.
Suddenly a man with a sword appears before him, and Joshua jumps to the defense: Declare yourself! Are you for us or against us?
It was the wrong question. The angel of the Lord was neither for him or against him. He had a different purpose altogether.
He was there to remind Joshua to focus not on the circumstances, but focus on the Holy God who controlled all things, even the Promised Land Joshua stood on.
When I was faced with challenges beyond my ability, I looked at my circumstances instead of my God. I ended up angry, disillusioned, and fearful.
Then God reminded me where I could find Him: I felt compelled to open my Bible and flip through the pages. My soul was raw. I needed hope.
I found my hope, in verses I’d not read before. Passages from Isaiah, from Luke, from Psalms. By the time I finished reading, my soul felt refreshed. I didn’t find my answers, yet I was more than satisfied.
When we look at God through the lenses of our circumstances, we won’t see Him clearly. We will ask unfair, irrelevant questions. We won’t find answers.
When we look at God with no lenses, no filters of expectations, we will see Him for who He is. He is God. Whether or not we find our Why matters less the more we know Him.